One Day I saw a Black King

We were taught from the moment we were pushed out of our mother's womb that we are  not meant to be alone.  Us. Black Women. We were taught  to seek a black king, bear his children, set the foundation for his home and love him unconditionallly until death do us part. We were taught to hold down the fort when the going gets tough, comfort him during the bad times, embrace him during the good. We were taught to cherish him, obey him, and always have his back by any means necessary no matter if he is right or wrong.
  But what do we do when our kings are gay, in jail, dead, on the street corners slingings crack, heroin, pills, and marijuana. What do we do when our black kings look at us with disgust because we are not light enough, hair isn't straight enough, or our bodies are not similar to the thin waisted, big butt mixed looking chick on the video they saw on 106th & park at 6pm the previous night.
 What do we do when our black kings look at us and all he see  is a bitch, whore, slut, chicken, hood rat, freak. What do we do when our black kings only see us as a cum deposit, a baby making machine, a freak of the week, a hoe for that area code, or a whore he can use while he is in that part of town.
  Sometimes I wonder if there is a last breed left of true black kings for us queens with just an ounce of pride, dignity, self respect, love, and a warm beating heart. A last breed that is not shallow, and would love a sister with natural kinky hair, cocoa dark skin, thick curves all around, and wouldn't mind "waiting".
 They say 42% of black women are single, and they try to pin the blame on us. Michael Baisden tried it, Steve Harvey tried it. But every black men need to stand in front of the mirror for at least five minutes and ask himself, is he really doing his very best in Respect? Love for his lady? Love for his mother? Love for his fellow brother? Kings it's time you start respecting each other, love on one another, as if he is your brother. We need a change. Like yesterday.

 

Admitting My Bitterness

I was talking to a friend the other day, who has been in a relationship for about two months, she told me he was like a breath of fresh air, as if she was walking through smog up until they met. She had asked me if I understood what she meant, and I thought about it. Unfortunately I couldn't tell her I understood, because I totally forgot how that felt. I totally forgot what it was like to be in love with another human being. My friend's face was glowing from the inside out, as if someone lit an ambience candle beneath her skin. When she smiled it wasn't just showing teeth but a happy, sighing smile, as if she would die happy at that very moment and not regret a thing, not even a  bucket list. Of course the way she described him, it sounded as if he was made just for her, fallen out of the sky and landed right in front of her. And I believed her. I believed that this man was for her, and I had faith that they would be together for a long time.
  I have been single since March of 2007, I have dated, I have sexual tryst and threw him out the next morning. I have had flings, but I haven't had a total, relationship in three whole years. I havent been in love since 2006, I fell out of love in 2007. That relationship was a total wreck. A total wreck. I looked in the mirror and told myself to stop lying to myself. I didn't want just a friend to spend time with just to share hobbies. I wanted a good, faithful, God fearing man in my life as well as a potential husband, but is too bitter to go there. There. I said it. I am bitter towards men.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

My heart did not crumble, but it quaked. I stared at my computer in shock, as I read the message, his message word for word three times. "I'm doing great, I am married, I just bought a house in Newport News close by Yorktown, and I got a baby girl due in August, so I'm busy, busy, busy, lol". That part grated on my nerves, it was like insult to injury. Clearly it was translated to say: I am happily married, leave me the fuck alone. Or was it a nervous, I really do not want to hurt your feelings type of laugh, the type of laugh where damn either now or never but I really don't want to break this girl's heart? I found myself absent mindly counting back nine months to the time wifey could have gotten pregnant, and gasping in shock when I figured out the time. He told me about how he graduated from college, with a Master's in Law, and so on and on and on. All I could think about was how I wanted to be in HER shoes, right then, at that moment, about to give birth to HIS baby. All I could think about was how I wanted to lay on HIS chest every night and be wrapped up in HIS arms.
  Why Me? Why not me? Why her? Why now? How did she look? Does it matter? Was she light bright damn near white? Did she have hair down her back? Did she have ethnic features? Did she have kinky hair? Did she wear a weave? Why? Why? Why? I felt played, lonely, disgusted, angry. It was almost like I could hear people laughing at me, like I could hear taunts, mockery.
  I sent a message back, using all the fake excitement I could muster, I made it look as though I was talking to an old friend, an old female friend. "Oh my God, That is so wonderful! Congratulations, I am so happy for you." That shit was fake as hell, but I didnt want to seem like a damn hater, so I faked it like a true player. I have pride for Christ's sake. What was I to do, not send a message back,  or say something like "Oh well your loss". That would make me sound bitter, lonely, and desperate. Bitter, maybe, lonely, sometimes, but desperate, hell no. 

  I didn't get a response to my congratulations I sent back, nor was I expecting one. It is what it is, I have moved on. I don't believe in disturbing another woman's home, or turning holy matrimony, unholy. I am too cute, and selfish to even attempt to share, I need all the attention on me. As if you all hadn't noticed.

Dealing with Cheating Ass Men

I have received more phone calls with women crying their damn eyes out this year alone than I can remember. I have patted backs, wiped noses, and repeated the same advice over and over again for those who don't freaking listen. He cheats time and time again, and some of you have even spilled to me that he has been taking your money out of the joint account you two share and is spending it on her. One sister told me she went negative forty-five dollars in the bank and had no clue as of why. She got her bank statement and there were charges from Forever 21, Bakers, Nine West, Body Central, and so on. This man whom she has been declaring her love to has been taking his little side ho on shopping sprees with her money. First time shame on his ass, second time shame on you. Because let me tell you what these women have in common. They man has cheated before,  and they keep falling for the "I love yous" and the "Never agains" to have him continously do it again.
  Then one chick calls and texts me continously about the same thing that she should have shut down a long time ago. The sidechick keeps calling her man, texting, emailing, facebooking etc. She doesnt want to ask the girl to stop even though her man has done so, because she is too scared of losing her man. This is when I ask you to cease and desist from messaging me this bullshit. Basically you are telling me that you will let anything take place in your relationship because you are afraid to be without a man. Ladies, please.
 See, when he cheats and violates the first time, pack your shit and leave, or pack his hefty bags and set it at the corner or on the porch.
 I don't feel sorry for those who have been going through this, with the same man for years, because that is on you. Grow a backbone.

Letting Go is Hard

Sometimes I want to seek vengence on the people who have done me so dirty, so bad I wrote a list. I wrote a list with names, reasons, and how I was going to take revenge out on these people. I was not going to hurt them, I just wanted to teach them a valuable lesson. People who have broke my heart on purposes, and knew damn well what they were doing. People who have just done stuff out of spite to me. I wanted to effect these people's lives just like they had effected mine. I wanted to destroy or disturb something that was precious to them. I wrote down how I would destroy jobs, make them lose their homes, significant others, and expose them for the downlow grimey mess they were doing behind other's backs. I wanted them to suffer for doing me wrong when I had done nothing to hurt anyone. After I wrote down everything (well typed it) I was exhausted. I hadnt even done one thing and just thinking and writing about it made me so tired and weary. I started thinking real hard, that if this just made me tired and weary, just think how I would feel after I had carried out my plan. I even started feeling bad when I read over the whole list, because deep down inside those people were suffering. They had to have been miserable just to do mean things to someone who had not done anything to them.
  So I deleted the whole list, asked for forgiveness and just let it go. It was hard to delete, because those people deserved to feel every inch of my wrath. But I didnt do it, I let everything go and just forgave them. I forgave them all...All except one person. LOL. See, I had to get her. I had to get her good, and that Witch deserved what she got....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

All about Me

The doctor asked me if I wanted to be on birth control. I said "No." Then she told me about these folic acid pills I could take since I was in my childbearing years. "I told her I didnt need them". And I am not having any children outside of marriage, and I am not getting married so therefore no children. When I am thirty and I finish my degree, I will adopt a newborn baby girl. I like to be in the company of men, for dinner, drinks, laughs, giggles and kicks. But they are too much of a thorn in my ass for me to be tied down with them and making babies. For what? So they can come and go as they please and leave me in the house with the child they helped make? I don't have time for the stresses of a wedding. I dont need to be worried about losing weight to fit the gown, worried about invitations, whose coming, who isn't, meddling in-laws. I dont have time to carry a human for almost year to damn near kill myself pushing it out of me.
 I like male company but I dont want them touching me, not to stick that thing in me, and definitey not to make a baby. I thought long and hard about it, I just really dont have time for all that bull. Im married to myself, and thats all I need. Me, myself, and Christ. Im tired of B.S. and I am not putting up with it anymore.
  I am not going to go into an all out pity party of how much I give, and people take, I think you people figured it out already, anywho. Miss Monroe will always be Miss Monroe and I am getting better and stronger than ever. No man is good enough to take away my last name and push him out a child and will never be.
 Don't get me wrong, I think it is beautiful, marriage, love, black love is lovely. But it is not for me, I rather be alone. If I am not too busy to adopt at thirty than that is what I will do. Other than that, it is all about me, nobody is interrupting my life. So far my plans have worked, in getting my life together for me. I have a snug nest egg, Im close to completing one of my degrees, and I am writing up a business plan to start my own business so I dont have to work with a bunch of nitwits. What can I say? It is all about me.

WHY SO MANY OF US BLACK WOMEN ARE GOING TO WHITE MEN

Uhhhhhh....I so want a frappucino so bad, it is not even funny. I need a pedicure, I need a wax, I need a massage. And I need some male attention....STOP!! Get your mind out of the gutter, not that physical attention. I want intelligent conversation with an intelligent individual of the opposite sex. Im sick of talking to my homegirls over the phone it is starting to get annoying. Believe me that whole ladies' night bull gets old after a while, when you get sick and tired of hearing a bunch of ducks clucking around you. I want to hear some rich, deep, baritones in my ear. Im tired of looking into MAC,Maybelline, and Revlon caked faces, I want square jaws, cleft chins, chiseled looks. I want a classic, old fashioned, date. Plain and simple.
 I want to put on a nice classy fitting dress, black stockings (If weather permits), and high heels and across my legs under a dinner table and talk. I want to talk politics, law, sports, music, art.
 Nobody (black men anyway) want to talk about what I want to talk about. They all wanna talk about "getting in" whatever the hell that means, their rap career at damn near 30, how they got locked up back in 2005 for shooting someone's house up, the foolery goes on and on and on. I cant deal. I refuse to deal.
  I want intellectual excitement, challenge me intellectually, I want passion. I dont want violence, anger, drugs, rap music, clubbing (not all the time.) I want black, white, red, themed affairs. I want theatre, art, nature.....Is that so hard?

Play with Fire, Skate on Thin Ice

I  used to love thrills, not cheap ones, really big thrills that could get you in all kinds of trouble, and drama. Thrills that you read about in arabesque romance novels, and sometimes in the soaps. Yes. I used to love romantic thrills. Thrills that would have me feeling ashamed afterwards but would have me wanting more. Thrills that are so hot, I would come home and rub an ice cube down my neck and chest. Thrills that would have me emotionally twisted, confused and insanely thirsty. Thrills that would have me crazy, wildly in love, with just a single reminince of it. Those thrills got me in so much trouble, it was not funny literally, emotionally, physically. Thrills that left a pleasurable throb between my legs, but a permanent emotional scar on my heart, I could never do another thrill or could I? He asked me for one more night of passion three months before his wedding day, he figured once those two words slipped from his lips, that was it. Then he would be considered on lock for the rest of his life. He confessed he thought about me constantly to the point where he saw my face, not hers during their premarital romps. Did I believe him? Hell no, I knew he was talking jibber jabber and just to make himself sound good and it was not working. My wheels in my brain turned back to our last sexual encounter. I broke out in a sweat and I ended up getting the jitters just from daydreaming about it.
  I thought about what harm it could be, it wasn't like they were married....Yet. I poured the blackberry Arbor Mist in my wine glass as I sat in read his provocative email over and over. It was in so much detail my body broke out into a sweat. I knew he was capable of doing what was typed from past experiences. So I sent him an email back telling him I was game.
  I already had a bad feeling about this, first of all I felt guilty. This girl did not deserve such insensitivity nor a cheating bastard for a husband for that matter. I picked up my phone twice to tell him never mind do not come, but I would put the phone down again. Around ten pm he text me and told me that she was out with her mother and had a few hours to spare.
  He came over, I let him in, we kissed and were just kissing when I stopped him. I explained this was not right and that if he could not stay faithful in a relationship how could he stay faithful married? He agreed, got up and left. Three mins later he calls me saying his car wouldnt start, he is stuck in the parking lot of my apartment complex and that the only one he could call to pick him up was his fiance. He stated he already text her and told her he was visiting an frat brother.
  twenty minutes later I hear arguing back and forth and a female voice yelling "WHO IS SHE?" I peep out of my window and see him and a female arguing back and forth, the words she was yelling was clear as day. "I have met all of your frat brothers, they all live in different states, only two live in Virginia, and we have been to their homes! Are you cheating again?" My breath caught in my throat. Again, I thought silently to myself. My stupid behind should have known, he was never up to no good. I listened to him make up more lies and excuses then a nigga just getting out of jail. They argued during the whole hour they were out there, they even argued in front of the tow truck driver as he hooked his BMW up to the truck. I even heard them arguing as they were driving off. The BMW he had was brand spanking new, I remember him bragging about it on Facebook. The car breaking down was no mechanical malfunction.God don't like ugly, and whatever you do in the dark. Comes to light.

Staying in my Element

People were calling Lisaraye a golddigger because she said "I have always dated men with money, I deserve the best". I wholeheartedly agree with her. A lot of people say I have extremely high standards, but that is because I have no time or room for error with anyone. I can do bad all by myself so why should I hook my arm around some bum who claims "I have fallen on hard times for the past eight years."  I deserve someone who has equal or more, and trying to get more, not the reject who has been down in the dumps because he has several felonies and "the white man wont give a brother a chance." I deserve the best in everything, including the best man, all of you women do. Which brings me to this particular.....uhhhhh...bull I wanted to share.
 This guy had been trying to get with me for months now, and I just didnt want to give him the time of day. I mean it was something grit grimey about him. He just gives me the heebie jeebies, he text me one night talking about all the licking, sucking, tucking and what not he wanted to do to me. It was interesting, though not arousing. He talked a good game. Until he said "I want to make love to you so bad". Im like "Why? You dont love me" He text. "You're good people". Whatever that means. So I told him straight up that I am not into jumping in bed with just anyone, especially on the strength of words. I am high maintenance so I do not have casual sex, I like to go out to different places and be shown a good time. I also text him a list of my hobbies. Wine tasting, museums, aquarium, theatre, going out of town to exotic places, exotic foods, etc etc the list went on. He was like. Okay and I didnt hear from him until one night he was begging me to come over and perform fellatio on me. I was like no. I am not interested. I told him if he likes he could drive us to New York to Mr. Chow's and talk over dinner.  I have'nt heard from him since. He is not in my element, and never will be.

So Over It

Ok, So you know the saying there is somebody for everybody? I believe that in certain circumstances but some people are just better off by themselves because they  are over  the B.S. I am not harboring old feelings or holding on to old bones I am just keeping in the back of my head that all that has happend and keeping it as a lesson learned. A lesson so that it may never ever happen again, I have gone through too much to let somebody ruin it. I have always been a good woman, I ride or die for my man, take care of him, make sure he get back up when he is down, blah blah blah blah. But what happens when you do not get the same treatment in return? Take it as a lesson learned and move on. I think dating takes two people to put in work but of course trifling guys these days want all play and no work period, so I admit it is hard on us women. No matter what race you are we women have it hard as heck. We fight for our families, our marriages even when  we are not in the wrong, we fight for equal opportunity, hell we are fighting wars now. So we women, no matter what race or religion are fighting for everything these days.
  What if you get so over it, that you are tired of fighting? That's how I am. I am so over no good ass people (pardon me), who do me no good. It seems like half the people I have met in my life were wolves in sheep's clothing. Women go through so much trying to keep a smile, and their sanity in the midst of fighting storms it's no wonder why scientist say we are much stronger than men.
 Race has nothing to do with it, I have witnessed women of all races pick their husbands off the ground when the world beat them down, and pray for strength to hold the pieces together. Women of all races do what they have to do legally to keep a roof over their heads and food on their children's plates. We are all over it, I'm pretty sure which is how I feel and I am still in my twenties. But I know for certain the fight is well worth it.

FRIENDS and FOES

Friends. That word alone makes me shudder and makes me want to be suspicious of people who wants to be my friend. Some people want to be your friend just to get in deep to hurt you, take something from you, or try to get what you got. So many so called friends I have had has stabbed me in the back countless times because of jealousy. Jealous over the most pettiest crap. It is sickening how people will do you. Which is why I started staying one step ahead of the game. You cross me once, you will cross me again, no questions asked. I know so. When your friend cross you, in the back of your mind it is time to turn that friend into a foe, an enemy. Keep them out of your circle, your life. I had a friend once, I was always looking out for. Hell I have had several friends I have looked out for and we are not friends anymore. But I let this particular person into my home. See, this person didnt have anything, their parents didnt want them living with them nor did their so called friends even want them in their presence if they didnt have money to give them. But of course soft hearted caring me let them into my home for almost two years. In the midst of those two years they lost their job, and I had to foot the bills because they had no place to stay if I was to kick them out. Then they finally found a great job, and told me that they were giving me thirty day notice to vacate, ok that's fine. They moved out in two weeks and didnt give me no notice, I didnt even know until a mutual friend of ours told me. They moved out early so they wouldnt have to pay the rent for that month, I let it go.
  After they left, leaving me with a 600.00 electric bill, I fell into some hard times and to keep a long story short I was out on my ass. Literally. I called this person and asked if I could spend one night at their house to get my thoughts together on the next step, and they told me no and hung up on me. This is not the only "friend" I have looked out for that has slammed a door or a phone in my face. Several people. And those same people started pouring back in my life when things started looking up a tiny bit. To tell you the truth Jesus is my only friend. And the only friend I need.

Revenge (It is not best served cold)

I have always been a nice and sweet person, even before I gave my life to Christ, but I have always had a vengeful side of me. If you do something to me to try to hurt me or something I dearly love, I would get you right back. I'm not talking about destroying property, beating the crap out of you, or spreading a viscious rumor. I'm talking about destroying something you need, something you hold dear to you, or something you really care for. I never was the type of person to go around plotting revenge on jealous women over frivolous things like men. C'mon that is just petty, but if you try to ruin my good name, shame me, or take something that belongs to me. I always quickly had a plan to avenge what you did to me.
 There was this chick I used to work with on base, and right off the bat she didn't like me. To this day I dont know why she didnt like me, or did what she did, but that was her problem not mine. I was dating a guy who was in the Navy. Who decides to lie to me and hook up with this chic, which I didnt care, if he likes chickenheads that was his business. But the thing that really pissed me off was that he told her things about me that only I told him in confidence and trust. I thought  me and him were friends but silly me. To make a long story short she made a mockery out of my personal business. It wasn't the fact that she slept around with someone I was dating, she could have his sorry behind. It was the fact at that time that she put poison on my name.
 So I did something I am not proud of, and I feel bad about it to this very day. I logged into a cash register using her social security number, that I happend to come across, and I gave away free movie tickets, popcorn, unauthorized discounts, I skimmed some money out of the cash register. I had to have stolen about a thousand dollars in cash and products alone out of the register under her social.
 Well, the next day, the day before Thanksgiving, she got fired first thing in the morning. She didn't understand why she was getting fired, she was crying and pleading and telling them she didnt do it. I feel awful and I have prayed for forgiveness. The moral of this walk is that vengence only makes you feel worse after you do it. Because when I really look at the situation I didn't have to do that to her.

Walk With Me

I always thought that no one should judge anyone unless you are walking in their shoes. Whether it be Jordans, Uggs, LA Gear, or Manolo Blahnik. Some people talk trash and judge other people as if they walk around bare footed because they don't have to worry about rocks, glass, or needles being stuck inside of their foot. They are wrong. Dead wrong. I dont care how much money you make, how big your house is, how expensive your clothes are, or how thick your wallet. I dont care how many times a day you update your status with "I love my life" or "I'm getting money no worries" on your facebook, twitter, myspace, or whatever. You wear shoes with thick soles from walking through B.S, mud, grime, grit, stepping over snakes, getting attacked by snakes. Just stop fronting. Stop trying to pretend like you have always been ok, and stop parading around a "Oh that sucks for you" attitude at the next guy or girl who are struggling with finance, homelessness, backstabbing, abuse, child welfare, and the list can go on and on and on. Because if I was take off these pumps and put on your shoes, I would probably walk through some mess that would cause me to lose my mind. Or years of therapy. So let's all stop fixing our mouth to talk about the next guy who is doing way worse than you are right now. There was a time when you was doing worse than he was at a time in the past.
  Which explains my blog "Walk in my Pumps". It seems like a lot of people like to talk about what Ms.Monroe should, could, would, have not done with her life. A lot of people dont know who I know, so a lot of stuff get back to me in the most weirdest way. Don't get me wrong, I never cared what a person thought of me, however I do like to set the record straight. So take my hand. We will take a walk.