Confession (Why I Haven't Been Going To Church)

I stopped going to church because one person made me angry and frustrated with going to church. I know it is biased, no excuse, and I am supposed to go to church for me and the Lord only. However, I let the devil trick me into making myself think that I was just taking a little break from the church, and that as long as I paid my tithes I was fine. Wrong! I needed to be up in church every sunday, in somebody's bible study every week, and on somebody's prayer line every night. I needed to be on my knees every night praying thanking God, and working on forgiveness. In all actuality, I'm mad as all hell on earth at some situations that happend to me that was all out of my control. Instead of thanking God for getting me out of a bad situation, I questioned myself about why I was put in the situation in the first place. I feel anger towards people in church because someone from the church who wasn't as saved as pertained to be, or acting the part.
   I am angry because in my mind, I feel like I have been set back from where I was, I feel like a failure, and that I lost everything I worked hard for. I'm withdrawing from everyone, I'm suspicious of everybody who wants to get close to me, and I have a I don't care attitude that needs to stop right now.
   The Holy Spirit is beating me in the head, the guilt I feel  is consuming me and I feel horrible about a lot of things. I know God is telling me that He is not angry with me, He just wants me to leave the past alone and look forward. He wants me to get back in church ASAP because my spirit is weak, and I am walking around with a broken heart that He needs to heal. I need to start being honest with myself and talk to Him openly because I can't front on Him. He knows me better than I know myself, and He wants me to be more open to Him.
    The Holy Spirit has been telling me to read the entire Bible from front to back, so I can understand that He is a God of love, not anger, not hate, not vengeful. That He loves me through all of my flaws, my weaknesses, my prettiness, my ugliness, my sadness, my goofiness everything about me. He wants me to understand that I need to lean on Christ. Holy Spirit told me it is good I am paying tithes, but what about worship, giving thanks. Sometimes I eat without saying my grace, I feel lower than dirt for even doing that.
   I wanted to get this off my chest, so I could start healing, and continue my walk with Christ, because I was not being honest with myself or other people. Isn't it great that we have a God of second chances?

Older Men

In my wild days being in my late teens and early twenties I got a kick out of dating older men. When I say older, I don't mean men five or ten years older,I'm talking about men twenty years older or a little more. The guys my age were so immature, careless and couldn't even hold their pants up properly. Majority of them were living off of their mother's income so they could only take me out to dinner at Sonic. Maybe. My girlfriends and other chicks I had ran into spoke about their experiences with older men. How they paid for their tuition, exotic trips, shopping sprees, and luxery apartments only to realize these girls were just ur ordinary gold digger. But one person I became acquainted with told me a totally different reason why she liked dating them.
Miranda (name changed) was the same age as me, nineteen, at the time we met. She was a Political Science major and had to do her work study in the school library. She was assisting me with a powerpoint when her cellular phone went off. She glanced at it and smiled a sneaky,wicked smile. "Must have something nice planned" I commented. She gave me a sinister look, and said "yep. A night of nonstop pleasure girl. Even though he's almost fifty, he's better than anyone in our age group." I was in complete shock as she began to expose in broad detail their personal exploits, and at the fact that he was darn near 50 years old.
She asked me if I had ever been with a man that old, at the time I had not and told her this. But after what she told me, it piqued my interest. She told me if and when I did I wouldn't regret it. Me being young,dumb,and u know the rest I made it my business to date much older men. Yeah she was right, the physical and material portion of the relationship was good, but these old men were also possessive and stuck in their ways. It took me 3 months to shake one old guy off and another one forgot to tell me about his wife who had been in the hospital sick. So there's drama in every type of relationship,from what I learned. But I still don't understand the whole cougar syndrome.

The End of the Race.

I'm sick and tired of the whole race issue. White this, black that, asian do this, hispanics do that. It is disgusting me, like a festering sore that keeps spreading everyone is contributing to this race factor. And the sad thing is, black men are still blaming the "White Man" for his past transgressions.
I get tired of hearing political affiliates lashing at each other using nationalities and racial backgrounds. I get tired of hearing sexual types about white women. I'm tired of hearing negative remarks about black women. I'm tired of reading sadistic synopsis about hispanics.
A black person can't call a white person a racist for calling them a nigger, if that same black person go around calling white people "cracker and honkey". That black person is displaying racism as well. Same thing goes for calling an asian "chink" and an asian calling an hispanic "spic". It is all racism, and it is all hate, evil and disgusting.
Racial stereotypes are the worst. For example: "Black men have large penises". All black men do not have large penises. I know that for a fact. A lot of black women who has never been with a white man say that white men have small penises.
The race factor is out of control, period. And it is just not in America, racial conflict is out of control all over the world. We all need to change.

The Eye of The Beholder (My Battles With Being Physically Perfect)

I wanted to look like the women in the above picture, but better because everywhere I looked these modelesque beings were getting all the attention, popularity that I wanted. The slim waist, the plump,round, perfect behind and the the long exotic hair whether it was a weave or not. I looked in the mirror each day and found something that I needed to change. My nose too flat, my bottom lip poked out too far, I thought I had cellulite on the back of my thighs, My tummy wasnt flat enough, my breast too floppy. My hair too thick, my eyes too big, I have love handles the list went on and on and on. Every day I woke up in the morning and saw an uglier, fatter, horrendous chick.
 I started taking diet pills first to try to curb my appetite, but they didn't work, and it seemed as though they were making me more hungrier. I then started buying lean cuisines to take on my lunch break,which not only made me very hungry, but also very fatigued and dizzy from lack of a balanced meal. I couldn't join a gym because I had a hectic work schedule from working at a call center, and wouldn't have the time. I also had a midday shift that didn't give me time to walk around a track or block and due to lack of me having a car I didnt have a way to the gym, track anyway.
  I started saving up for plastic surgery, one body part at a time, starting with my nose that I couldn't stand. I hated the fact that when I smiled my nose spread and covered my whole face (I thought so). Sometimes I would pinch it throughout the day to make it more narrow and less wide, and of course that didn't work. I also started saving up for a tummy tuck. I always had that little pouch that would stick out just little from my blouses.
  One day I was researching and just googling different things (some of the weird things I do when I'm bored). I started researching different African Queens that existed before slavery, and the most beautiful, thick women popped up. There were women with noses bigger than mine, who adorned garments of beautiful fabric, gold, and crowns encrusted with precious jewels. They were not slim, but healthily stacked, curvy, and their lips were thick, plump, and colored bright red which curved into a sweet yet strong smile. I was astonished and shocked at the same time! These women looked like me, some only darker and some only lighter but some exactly. Eyes and all!

 I resembled a queen! Well that alone stopped me from saving up for cosmetic surgery to take these beautiful features away I was blessed with. Instead of popping diet pills, starving myself on Lean Cuisine diets and skipping meals, I started eating more fruits and vegetables. I read books on eating healthy satisfying meals and that helped a lot too. I also learned that if we all looked alike, this world would be very boring, and that no one loves us like we love ourselves.